Down..but not finished

It's been a long 11 days. Filled with so many things that bring a blogger down -- feelings of being unappreciated, unheard and taken for granted.

All the signs of a dysfunctional family. Or a work environment. Or a Dr. Phil moment. Take your pick.

This not going to be a pithy little blog entry where everything is funny. But it is insightful. And while a bit "look at me" bloggish, hopefully helpful to those who may be feeling the same.

Read at your own kill-joy peril.

Though I have tried, I've fallen. I have sunk so low.
I messed up. Better, I should know.
So, don't come around here and tell me I told you so.

Last night, I had a dream that Harry would be homeless, years after my death. And while it's common for parents of special kids to have long-term fears, this is not about my fear for my son's future.

I know it's because I am dwelling on what I can not control. I have no control over so many things these days that I feel as if I am drowning in the ebb and flow of life.

I feel unheard, it doesn't matter where, and the tide is pulling me to places that I started to paddle toward but is now taking me to a crisis of confidence. And I'm wondering: how much of this is my doing, my look on life? And how far will I let this take my self-worth down?

Don't tell me to buck up. I can out-buck anyone. This about living with my choices. Or deciding to change those choices. Dr. Phil, this just isn't working for me anymore.

And I think that is whole point to this diatribe and a mantra I tell myself everyday. We live with our choices. And we reassess those choices on a daily basis. For better for worse, for good times and bad. For the world we want or choose to ignore.

It's time for a life-growth experience, Dr. Phil. And time to earn my way back to confidence.

My first step is admitting that I have to change some things about how I am looking at my life (Thanks Paul). Take a running inventory of what is working, and be honest about what isn't.

Then walk. Walk until my legs shake. Walk until I think straight. Walk my way back to stability. Back home.

Reaffirm my faith. Yes, I do believe in a Higher Power. How could I have walked my path without one? Seal sings "Get up on your feet and give an account of your faith." Where is my faith? I will walk my way there.

Make informed decisions. Docs call it informed consent.

I have evolved from a hard place in life. I have accomplised so much. My childhood was a bit rough, the kind that has no bruises you can see. My first marriage produced two perfect children and a failed relationship. And I literally have worked my way through more health challenges that I don’t want to count now. I am still here.

I have taken a hobby of surfing the web and created a career of telling others about how I think things should be. Not bad for a mediocre reporter who hated the hours.

So, where is my mojo? Like many women, invested in others. The wrong place to put your sense of self. It's so easy to do and so hard to get back.

Though I have tried, I've fallen. I have sunk so low.
I messed up. Better, I should know.
So, don't come around here and tell me I told you so.

Yes, this is all self-absorbed drama of the personal flavor, one I am sure we all have tasted. And isn't this why they call it drama? The Greeks were no fools. It's the everyday struggles that bring us truth in entertainment. Just like this blog.

Enjoy.

P.S. I decided to allow comment to this venting. But don't feel compelled to do so. Introspection in the blogsphere is the norm. But I am not aiming for feel good posts. I am looking for clarity. If you are doing the same, then comment. I am fine. I hope we all are.