One More Reason

I am so tired of myself.
Tired of my weight. My gravitas, if you will.

Tired of feeling out of sorts. Of feeling old, and fat, and not even a little bit sassy.

You see lately, I have been grappling with how a woman my age (43 thanks for asking) is suppose to act. Dowdy? Slutty? Plastic surgery pathetic? I mean, how I conduct myself dictacts a whole slew of details that make up my public persona.

Like, should I be Jackie O big eye classes, wrap dressing chic? Should I don my daughter's low slung pants and be proud of my coin slot? Should I be using terms like coin slot?

Should I be liking current pop music? The latest crop of Reality shows?

My own mom's transition into this stage of her life was... shall we say.. not graceful. At the very age I am at right now, she gained a great deal of weight (after a lifetime of stuggle) and had a grown daughter in college.

I don't know that I am explaining this very well. Let me give you an example of what is goin' on in my head. If I go out with girlfriends who are single, I don't feel I fit into the bar scene with them. Hell any bar scene. I feel not young. Not old mind you, but strangly not young -- not fresh kissed dewy satiny young.

Hubby: "Why would you go to a bar anyway? Why would you play the game?"
Implication.. bars are for picking up guys to get laid. Can you just feel my eyes rolling?

I've no clue. All I know is that, until 41, this was not an issue.