Driving Cell Phones To Target!

There is no greater thrill than screaming down the highway in my gas-guzzling Xterra with a Dumbo-sized sweet tea in the extra-large cup holder, with my trusty, dusty cell phone headset hermetically sealed to my ear.


I often think that talking to me while I'm driving has to be like listening to a mystery thriller:

Will she get hit by another car?
What is that slurpy sound?
Will she die and force me to listen to the horrible crash and grinding of metal?
Who is obsessed with Target and why do they constantly want to go there?

Driving and talking on a cell phone is like playing Russian roulette with your life, only you are using other people's cars instead of bullets.

The cell phone thing is an "issue" in my marriage. Studly Edly despises folks who talk on their cell phones and drive, hating people who can't shut their mouth for five minutes to concentrate on other things like, oh DRIVING THE FRIGGIN’ CAR!

The jist you should take away from this is hubby's road rage is coming along nicely.

But where else is more perfect to use your cell phone if not in your car? It's obvious my husband rarely drives with kids in tow. It’s also obvious he is one of the last 10 people on Sprint using the $19.99/60 minute a month plan with a phone he bought in 2000. I literally have to scour eBay to find batteries for this thing.

And really a ringing cell phone is the LEAST of my distraction worries.

Picture this: it's 3:05 p.m. on a school day. I am rolling down I-95 surrounded by either semi's burning rubber like trucks from Speilberg's Duel or blue haired ladies who refuses to go past 20 miles an hour because for fear her Crown Vic will vear into the CORRECT lane.

A child speaks from the back seat.
Harry: Mommy, I'm hungry.
Me: Okay, Harry.
Harry: Mommy, I'm hungry. Let's go get food.
Maddie: Mom guess who I talked to today? Emily! We played kick ball and I was so good I caught it a bunch of times and I was so excited because while we were playing we saw these middle schoolers and they were watching our team play and then they started to cheer when I caught the ball and boo'd when the boys -- the other team -- caught it and it was soooo cool it was just like that dream I had the other night where I was a cartoon and I.....
Harry: MOMMY! Harry hungry! Let's get hamburgers and french fries and a cold drink!
Maddie: ... had this pink ball and I was tossing it around and then my cousin Natalie was there and she had floppy bunny ears...
Harry: Mommy, I want a toy, Let's go to Target.
Me: Harry we are not going Target. We are going home.
Harry: I want to go to Target! Yes Target! NO HOUSE! NO HOUSE! NO HOUSE

A cell phone gives me an opportunity to converse with adults who an audibly witness the time of my demise when I have my long awaited meltdown.

Because one day, I probably will have a fender bender, probably not of my own doing, but enough to force me to call my husband on the cell phone. He will arrive at the scene, see the cell phone I called him on, and assume I was talking and driving.

He WILL say< let’s say it all together> "If you hadn't been on the stupid phone, and was paying attention, this wouldn't have happened!"

See, this is why you should play Russian roulette with GUNS.